its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
