A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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