I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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