I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
