Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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