She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
