Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
