I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
