Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
