this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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