You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
