I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
