is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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