I got chris browned last night
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
