Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
