I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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