i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
