textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
