I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
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Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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