There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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