I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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