I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
