I'm jealous of your bromance
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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