They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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