Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
