apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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