Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
