found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
