You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
