Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
