he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
