walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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