Small penises have feelings too.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
