I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
