Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
