who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
