I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!