You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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