Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.