I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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