Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
