I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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