I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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