Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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