the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The cops high fived after they tackled you
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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