so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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