Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
