Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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