just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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