This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Randomize
