dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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