I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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