you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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