Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
