I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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