you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
