I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
