What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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